3am Christmas Morning / Covid / 2020 Reflections

Merry Christmas from beautiful, snowy, Kitchener! Today I am going to try to stay positive, and focus on the little things that I am grateful for. I shared some photos on social media, of some days/moments over the past couple of weeks, when I was truly happy. But 2020 (and especially these past few weeks) have not been easy for me (and I know it has not been easy for most others as well). Life is not supposed to be easy. But living life’s normal ups and down’s, with the added layer of a pandemic, has been extra hard. At 3am this morning, when I couldn't sleep, I decided to start (another) blog. I like writing. And I like sharing my writing with others (sometimes). I might not post again, but I thought I would try one post for now, and see how it goes. 

2020: what a year it has been! I probably do not have anything new to share, that others have not thought or felt or shared already as well. But it always feels helpful to me, to write things down. And one of my biggest regrets of 2020, is that I have not done much writing at all. And if a family member or friend can know and understand me a bit better through my written words, or if I can reach out to just one person who is struggling right now, and offer a tiny bit of hope, I think sharing my writing will be worth it. 

One of the biggest things on my mind, and especially these past few weeks, has been: I miss hugs! I'm not even really a "huggy" person, but there have been so many people I have wanted to hug this past year, and couldn’t. Especially during times of great loss, I so wished I could have offered a hug to family or friends, when I didn't have the right words to say. 

I have missed my friends (those who live nearby, and those who live far away). I have missed my family (because virtual visits and/or outdoor, social distanced visits are not the same). But I am grateful for my family’s creativity and persistence to celebrate Christmas the best way we could. 6 of us had an outdoor, socially distanced Christmas feast yesterday afternoon, under my parent’s carport. And despite my worries, we weren’t even that cold!

This Christmas morning, I feel happy and grateful, but at the same time also sad and frustrated. I imagine many others are feeling the same way. Usually Christmas holidays for Danny and I are extremely busy, with numerous get-togethers with friends & family. And in past years, I probably sometimes even complained about how we were doing too much driving, or too much socializing (for an introvert like me), or too much eating! But oh how I regret my complaints from past years, and I would give anything to be able to safely socialize indoors, and give out tons of hugs, to family and friends this year. 

I keep telling myself: "we can do hard things" (a favourite mantra, from one of my favourite authors, Glennon Doyle).  "We can do hard things!". We can get through this (sometimes difficult) holiday season, this long winter, and this even longer pandemic. I just hope and pray that we don’t lose too many more people on the way. Since the pandemic started, I have had in the back of my mind, the question and fear: when will covid-19 directly impact me, or one of my family members or close friends? I am grateful that so far it has only affected me in indirect ways. But I weep and grieve for so many others (in our city, and all across the world), who have been directly impacted by this terrible virus. 

I know life is short. But it seems shorter these days. Which is why I think it’s so important to share with others how you’re feeling – share your joys with others, and share your struggles. And reach out to others – cry with them, and laugh with them. Tell your family members and close friends that you love them. Cherish your relationships above all else. Be grateful for what you have. But it's also ok to be sad/frustrated/angry sometimes. If you aren’t, I'm not sure if you’re paying enough attention to your own valid emotions and/or to the injustices in this world (not only related to covid-19, but also to other diseases, struggles with mental illness and addictions, poverty, violence, racism, climate change, etc.).

Another Glennon Doyle quote: “Life is brutal. But it’s also beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly that they can’t be separated. Reject the brutal, reject the beauty. So now I embrace both, and I live well and hard and real.”

These past 10 months have truly been "brutiful", in big and small ways. 

I have grieved numerous trips that we had to cancel, and so many events that we missed out on (birthday parties, weddings, family get-togethers etc.). I experienced many moments of loneliness. But at the same time, I was grateful for a pace of life that was a bit slower. I discovered a new love for audiobooks and podcasts. I re-discovered my love for reading books. And Danny and I were able to do lots of camping, daytrips, and weekend getaways in Ontario, especially in the summer, when it was safer to do so, and covid numbers were a bit lower. 

I missed playing baseball with my "ladies 3-pitch league" on Monday nights in the summer. But I was able to stay active and get outside in other ways. Danny and I went for many walks around our neighbourhood, and hikes in local parks, and discovered beautiful, new sights I’d never seen before. I also purchased a bike at the end of the summer (despite a bike shortage in Canada), and was able to enjoy a month or two of biking, before the weather got a bit too cold for me! And now I am looking forward to snow shoeing in the winter months ahead (another new purchase for me this year!).

I obtained a full-time, permanent job this past year (no more contracts!). It’s not necessarily the job I pictured myself having, a year or two ago. But I am grateful for job stability right now, in a world of uncertainties.

Danny & I welcomed a new puppy (Maisie) into our home, at the beginning of November. Although she has added a lot more responsibility (and stress!) to our lives, she has also brought so much joy, and she is so friggin’ cute (most of the time!). Our cats (Milo & Margot) are still not too keen on her though…

My mental health has had lots of ups and downs. These mental health struggles have made all of life's challenges even harder to navigate (not only the struggles mentioned above, but other challenges as well). But I am so grateful for a loving partner (Danny) who supports me, as well as some close family members and friends, and an amazing counsellor, who I know are always there for me, whenever I need to reach out for support.

There has been so much loss and struggle and hardship this past year. But I have also been inspired by the resiliency I have seen in people. People (although sometimes frustrating) give me hope. The vaccine gives me hope. Love gives me hope. The little things in life, give me hope.

I have often appreciated this quote from Vaclav Havel:

“Hope is a dimension of the soul…it is not particularly dependent on some observation of the world.
Hope is an orientation of the spirit,
An orientation of the heart.
It transcends the world that is immediately experienced
And is anchored somewhere beyond the horizons.
Hope
In this deep and powerful sense
Is not the same as joy that things are going well
Or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously headed for early success,
But rather
An ability to work for something
Because it is good,
Not just because it stands a chance to succeed.
Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.
It is not the conviction that something will turn out well,
But the certainty that something makes sense
Regardless of how it turns out.
It is hope above all, which gives us the strength to love and continually try new things.”

Henry Nouwen has a quote that I really like as well:

“In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom.”

My final thoughts on Christmas and the holiday season: No matter how you celebrate Christmas, or even if you don't celebrate it at all, I hope that you can find even a little bit of joy, hope and peace in your life today. If that’s too hard today, maybe tomorrow. But know that no matter what, you are not alone. Sending love and “virtual” hugs to you all.